Hard To Love
by hifield
Summary: Jennifer longed for something she knew she couldn't have; yet she couldn't bring herself to give up on her hopes. He wasn't hard to love … he was hard to walk away from.


A/N: This was written for the Intentions Day Celebration over on the GW Forum Thread: _Ronon Dex/Jennifer Keller Appreciation/Ship/Discussion (Doctor & Man Wild)._

Also drew a bid of inspiration from the song Hard To Love recorded by Lee Brice.

As always … I do not own any part of Stargate Atlantis nor any of the characters … just trying to keep them alive! No copyright infringement is intended.

Hope you enjoy this Love Shack … have a great celebration day!

* * *

Hard To Love

Jennifer stirred from another bad dream. She could see the dawn start to awaken through the small slit in the curtain, thankfully she wasn't scheduled to work today and falling back to sleep was usually never a problem for her. Lying in the quiet predawn hours Dr. Keller wondered if it'd always be like this or if sleep would be one of those elusive things when she grew old. Turning away from the window she let her thoughts drift to the events of yesterday as she snuggled deeper in her covers.

Kidnapping had become commonplace enough in her Pegasus world. She'd developed an outward facade that spoke of confidence and indifference, which seemed to satisfy the powers that be but on the inside she was still coming to terms with the terror of being taken … again. No one seemed to notice how distraught she'd felt, instead her colleagues dwelt on the outward signs - the rope burns on her wrists, the cuts and bruises on her body plus the effects of being stunned several times. Considering all this Dr. Cole wanted to keep her overnight for observation but she'd talked the doctor into letting her recover in her own quarters after her ordeal with Kiryk.

Sighing deeply she closed her eyes hoping to capture a few additional hours of sleep. Using breathing techniques she'd learned from Teyla, she worked at clearing her mind and relaxing only to have her thoughts drift toward her constant distraction … Ronon.

He was hard to love … that's what she'd heard so many times. The gossips in the mess hall, her nurses as they'd idly talked with each other, the new recruits as they carved a place for themselves in the city. They'd all said the same thing, he's hard to love…yet they'd all tried. Comparing notes they'd always identified the same character flaws … selfish … demanding …used up. Not only was he hard to love, he was hard to find when things got too serious.

She found him easy to love. He'd stolen her heart years ago and couldn't get it back even though he'd never paid her the time of day. She'd not had a lot of experience with men but she knew what she wanted … what she yearned for. The past year she'd given up on hoping he'd one day realize she was perfect for him or at the very least ask her out on a date. So she'd satisfied herself with lingering touches while stitching his wounds, obvious glances of longing and too many nights fantasizing about "what if". Jennifer no longer worried about him catching her in an appreciative look or touch … she knew it was one sided but until he put a stop to it she'd quiet the hunger in her soul with whatever she could.

~000~

He tossed and turned most of the night … unsettled but not able to grasp the exact cause. It'd taken a while … two days to be exact, but he'd found Jennifer and gotten her and McKay safely home. So why couldn't he just count it as a successful mission and let it go. Rolling over he layed on his back letting thoughts of his past creep into his mind.

There'd been a time in his life when he was a free spirit full of joy and mischief. He'd loved the outdoors and family, sharing a hot meal gathered around the family table with friends and neighbors brought joy unspeakable. Hunting and trapping with his grandfather gave him confidence he carried with him to this very day. He had trained and fought with his boyhood friends and comrades finding such pleasure in their camaraderie. And he had loved.

He was easy to love before the Wraith. Like a magnet he drew people to him like a moth to a flame. He worked hard, he fought fiercely and he loved tenderly. Until the Wraith came and left him with nothing but memories… memories he folded up and placed in a box he stored on the back shelves of his mind. He knew he'd revisit them one day but that was not this day or any day soon.

Giving up on sleep he dressed and hit the running path as dawn was breaking, hoping to clear his mind. Taking a longer route than normal Ronon hoped to tire himself out and get some much needed sleep later in the day.

He wasn't sure why he was so concerned about her. There were many on Atlantis who'd been hurt, kidnapped, lost or exposed to countless dangerous elements… in fact most of those things had happened to her at least once and he hadn't felt like he did right now. She'd scared him this time, really scared him.

Thinking back he wondered if part of his fear had been because she was taken right out from under him … he was her protection and he'd failed her. Rolling that around in his head for a while he acknowledged it was part of it but more so he couldn't stand the thought of losing her.

He'd failed her so many times. Just recently he's tried to free her from the alien pathogen that was growing out of her body and taking over her mind only to find himself entangled in its tentacles. They'd both needed rescuing that day. He wasn't there when the Bola Kai took her or when she'd fallen in an abandon Genii mine. They'd argued over McKay's treatment when the scientist housed a parasite in his brain slowly robbing him of life and dignity. They'd never resolved their differences even though he knew his harsh works had hurt her deeply … he could see it in her eyes.

Needing a break from his frustrating thoughts, Ronon made his way to the gym hoping to find someone willing to engage in a little hand-to-hand or aggressive sparing. He should be feeling happy about the way things played out … they'd found Jennifer, rescued the little girl and the runner had his tracker disabled but instead he felt anxious and restless. Seeing McKay enter the room he sighed, unhappy with the scientist interrupting his thoughts.

"What?" Ronon asked impatiently.

"Ok, here's the thing … I've been thinking and, uh, I need to know your intentions," McKay questioned awkwardly.

"Intentions?"

"With Jennifer," Rodney huffed.

"I don't have any intentions," he answered frowning, a bit confused.

"Oh, okay," he said, turning toward the door with a satisfied smirk.

"Wait," Ronon called after him. "What'd you mean by intentions?"

"I mean are you interested in her in a … romantic fashion?" the irritated scientist explained.

"No," Ronon spoke before considering his answer.

"Good," Rodney offered, pleased with the warrior's answer.

"Wait," he spoke, realizing he wasn't ready to give Jennifer up so easily to someone else.

"What?" Rodney groused.

"Maybe I do … have intentions."

The two men shook hands over a plan to let Jennifer decide her own fate, agreeing on "may the best man win". Ronon knew he shouldn't even be thinking about having a relationship with the young doctor but he had a hard time thinking of a life without her … let alone watching her choose a life with McKay.

The few liaisons he'd had over the years had proven disastrous. He'd tried to find some sort of female companionship with a few of the overly eager women on base only to find himself kicked to the curb as soon as they'd realized how difficult and challenging he could be. He was broken and didn't play well with others yet knew he could have anyone he wanted if he set his mind to it … unfortunately, this wasn't the kind of relationship he wanted. He may not be the right man for Jennifer but he knew McKay wasn't right either and planned on warning her of Rodney's intentions… the sooner the better.

~000~

Jennifer finished getting ready for bed … after washing her face and finding a soft pair of knit shorts with matching tank top, she took a few minutes to straighten up her living area before brushing her hair out. Through all of her nightly routines she couldn't stop thinking about Ronon, which could probably be considered a nightly routine as well.

He'd been gruffer than usual lately. In the past he'd tolerated her intimate touches and occasional conversations… as one-sided as they were. But now he seemed to scowl at her mere presence in the same room. She knew it was probably time to put her hopes and dreams aside one final time … admit to herself this was nothing but a school girl fantasy. Changing her behavior would be hard but doable … changing her heart would take some time and she wasn't sure if it was even possible but the sooner she started the process the better it would be for both of them. It was time to let him go.

Jennifer's door chimed pulling her out of her sad resolve. On her way to the door she was surprised to find she'd been crying and grabbed a tissue to quickly wipe her face. Opening her door she was startled to find Ronon leaning against the door jam completely filling the space.

"Ronon … are you okay?" she stammered.

"Fine," he grunted

"Sorry … I wasn't expecting anyone," she added sweeping her hand over her nightclothes in explanation.

Pulling himself upright the warrior pushed into the room causing Jennifer to back pedal putting a small bit of distance between them. Now that he was in her room the man wasn't sure what he wanted to say or how to say it.

Resting his arms across his chest he took a deep breath studying her for what seemed like a long time. He could see the tear tracks on her face and wondered if he'd caused her distress.

Jennifer found it hard to breathe … he was glaring so intensely at her and she knew silence was her best course even though she wanted desperately to say something … anything to break the awkward stillness. Staring at her feet she wondered what she'd done to upset the man she wanted more than anything.

"I'm not a gentle man," he declared, establishing what was already known.

"Sometimes," she quietly acknowledged, raising her head to meet his eyes. "But there's more to you … you're a good man, Ronon."

"I'm driven by anger … not goodness," he growled. "I'm hard to love, little one," he added.

"Not for me," she asserted confidently.

"You need to find someone who'll love you tenderly … allow you to be who you are. I'd end up devouring you … consuming you completely … I'm afraid there'd be nothing of you left."

"You've already done that … I feel like I've loved you my whole life," she urged, trying to make him understand. "I realize I'm probably not what you need … I'm not enough. But if you don't want me then please just walk away … don't say it out loud," she begged, watching her tears of defeat hit the floor. "Leave me with something even if it's just false hope," she whispered looking him in the eyes while yielding her will to his decision.

"There's not much good left in me … I'm used up," he admitted while slowly closing the gulf between them. Reaching down he lifted her chin then wiped her tears away.

"You're not used up … I'll gladly take what ever you offer," the doctor assured him.

Ronon leaned down and kissed the tears from one eye and then the other, "I don't know how to play nice … I'm afraid I'll demand too much and destroy anyone who even glances at you," he admitted, running his hands through her hair controlling her body with his grip. "I won't make it easy."

"I'll teach you," she offered, overwhelmed with his presence holding on to his arms for dear life. "Although I think I like the whole consuming and devouring thing," she mumbled softly under her breath as he kissed her on the side of her neck.

Watching her totally surrender to his touch, he smiled nibbling on her lips, "I'm not good at picking up my clothes," he teased.

"That could be a deal breaker," she chuckled, before her feet left the floor as he lifted her up and kissed her soundly.

Before losing her mind completely she needed to voice one last thing, "I'm not looking for a one night stand or a short fling … I want you, Ronon," she whispered urgently, needing him to know her desires. The thought of being tossed aside once the conquest was made would break her heart completely.

"I shouldn't be here," he sighed, pulling her tighter into his chest. "I don't have much to offer," he hissed, irritated for crossing a line he'd set for himself. "I want all your nights."

Standing in his embrace the world began to melt away until the harsh sound of her door chime brought her instantly back down to earth. Gently pushing against his chest she tried to remove herself so she could answer the door.

"Don't answer it," he ordered, holding her tighter.

"It might be someone who needs me."

"It's just McKay … he'll go away," he insisted as the door chimed again.

"McKay? How do you know it's him?" she asked puzzled.

"He has intentions," Ronon grumbled.

"What do you mean … what kind of intentions?"

"Romantic intentions," he snarled, loosening his hold so he could see her face.

"How do you know that?"

"Cause he asked me if I had intentions," he answered, watching her face for some kind of indication of her feelings. He couldn't help but wonder if she was interested in the scientist in any way.

"And do you have intentions?"

"You know I'm not good with words," he groaned.

"But … do you have intentions?"

"Be quiet woman … I'm trying to show you my intentions."

Jennifer did her best to hold back her smile as she reached up to take hold of his face. The shy doctor slowly pulled him down to her lips before whispering, "Then let the devouring begin," she instructed, oblivious to the commotion taking place out in the hallway.

~000~

Rodney stood at Jennifer's door frustrated that she hadn't answered after swiping her sensor at least a dozen times. He'd tried to reach Ronon on the radio twice but then realized the man seldom had his earpiece in this late at night. Pacing back and forth he finally realized where the big man was.

"Ronon … Ronon," he yelled, pounding on the door, " open this door!"

The scientist noticed a couple of people eyeing him from across the hallway as he continued his rant. At this point he didn't care what anyone thought.

"We shook hands … this is cheating," he stammered, while pounding on the door once again. "Don't make me open it myself," he warned pulling his data pad out.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," Sheppard smirked as he walked up, resting his hand on Rodney's shoulder. "What's the problem McKay?"

"It's personal … a gentleman's agreement and he's cheating," he stammered. His red face and extended neck veins proving he was totally beyond reason… he'd given in completely to righteous anger.

"Rodney … you're creating a disturbance … do you really want to continue this outside of …," John reasoned, hesitating as he looked around trying to determine whose door his teammate was pounding on. "Why are you pounding on Keller's door?"

"Ronon has taken up residence and won't come out and face me like a man."

"I'm confused … why do you need to talk to him?" John asked, frowning.

Rodney folded his arms across his chest and scowled as he tried to explain, "We both have intentions toward the same woman … we agreed to let her make her own choice and now he's sliding in and making a move," he grumbled.

"So … why are you here?"

"Well … I'm just seeing how … you know, how she's doing since her ordeal … I'm here as a concerned friend," he stammered.

"So you're telling me that Ronon and the Doc are inside her room … and he has romance on his mind?" Sheppard frowned.

"Aha! Yes, but he's suppose to let Jennifer decide who she wants so that's clearly against the rules," he pronounced triumphantly. Smugly standing in front of John he waited for his team leader to grasp the obvious.

"So you're both interested in the Doc … romantically … and you made a pact?" he asked incredulously.

"Bingo… give the man a prize," he declared mockingly.

"Fine … I may not possess the higher IQ," he hissed, pointing between the two of them, "but you won't find me pounding on Keller's door yelling for Chewy to come out and man-up especially when the big guy is trying to score with the woman he's interested in." John said sarcastically. "What are you going to do if he opens the door? Are you sure you want all these witnesses for this confrontation?" he added nodding toward the crowd that'd gathered.

The two men stood in silence as McKay looked at his situation through Sheppard's eyes.

"Oh … ," the scientist sighed heavily. Dropping his shoulders in resignation he looked at the ground realizing he'd lost yet another battle to the Satedan warrior.

"Come on Rodney, I'll buy dinner. I heard they're serving cake tonight," Sheppard suggested, clapping Rodney on the shoulder and leading him away toward the mess hall.

"How come I never get the girl?" he could be heard lamenting as they walked past the spectators.


End file.
